Brenet Brown  says that it is impossible to feel compassion without boundaries.  That is exactly true. 

In Daring Greatly, chapter 7, she talks more about it:  The most compassionate people that I’ve ever interviewed… happened to be the most boundaried. They happened to be the people who had very, very clear boundaries about what they were willing to do, what they were not willing to do, what they were willing to take on, and what they were not willing to take on. 

Psychological boundaries, simply put, means that you know where the other person stops and you begin.  This also means that when other people invade your boundaries, you know how to protect yourself.

Boundaries do not preclude relationships, in fact are required for healthy ones.  Loose boundaries can manifest in several ways.  People who stand too close are violating your boundaries.  This is not the ‘hug’ which can be welcomed, but an uncomfortable feeling of danger.  You may have felt this in your life from strangers or even family and friends.  When someone takes everything you say personally, that person is invading boundaries.  There are many ways to invade your boundaries, and families can be one of the places where this happens.  People have a hard time recognizing it because it has often been going on for decades.  One of the best ways to ward off someone with poor boundaries is to have healthy ones of your own. You can learn this.

In my book, under the “Let Go” section I discuss the importance of recognizing unconscious resentments in order to ‘let them go’ so that they don’t pop up and interfere with caretaking.  Boundary problems are often the root of the resentments.  When you recognize this it is the beginning of making strong, healthy boundaries. 

In my practice today I work with parents and caretakers, where lack of boundaries creates so many unnecessary problems.  One especially frustrating case is where a daughter does have team, as I teach, but still feels that she has to jump in circles to make her mother happy.  She cooks when she doesn’t have to and is upset when Mom doesn’t like something.  This is literally causing not just emotional distress but physical problems. 

As we get to know each other better and work on things that are getting in the way of your happy home, we will talk a lot about boundaries.  I want you to understand now that learning to build healthy boundaries with your parent is essential.  Its essential to your well being and its essential to your being able to genuinely feel that compassion that your parent will need from you. 

Stay tuned for more on boundaries. 

Dave O’Brien, the “Sit With a Brit” guy who works for himself as a home care giver shared this article with me, I strongly suggest that you follow the link and read the whole thing.  Its very concise giving the 7 emotions that will make elder care more difficult than it has to be while sabotaging the best efforts.  

In the first part of my book, You Can Keep Your Parents at Home (link) I talk about how to let go of these emotions and in my last 5 posts, I describe how to let go of resentment, specifically.  My method would work very well for all of these elder care pitfalls in the article.  

Spencer Scott writes that ‘guilt’, ‘resentment’, ‘anger’, ‘worry’, ‘loneliness’, ‘worry’ and  ‘defensiveness’.   I am sure that all of you have felt some or all of those emotions as you deal with the day to day of elder care.  My previous 5 post deal specifically with resentment, but those points and the plan in the book can help you with the rest. 

The author has a very practical set up.  First she defines the general causes of the emotion, then why it matters, how it hurts you and finally, what you can do about it.  

Guilt is one of the emotions to  “Let Go” in order to do successful in elder care.  Spencer Scott specifically talks about guilt of not being good enough and recommends “lowering your standards” and I agree.  People often make the mistake of expecting perfection and allowing that to get in the way of good.  In my book I paraphrased D.W. Winnecott by saying, “Good enough elder care is what your parents really need”.  

I will teach you how to “lower your standards” in the best possible way that will make your experience with elder care the best possible for all.  If I have your email I can notify you of upcoming events and calls to help you with this.  

You can find the book, You Can Keep Your Parents At Home on Amazon

How To Let Go of Resentment Towards Parents: Part 5

Welcome to the final post in the 5-part series on how to let go of resentment towards parents during the aging in place process.  

Now you get to reap the benefits.   The first step is to take assessment of what any missing thing may

The point to remember here is that whatever your parents may have done for you or not done for you, all the things that happened to you is how you got where you are.  Even if you are not exactly where you want to be, you have accomplished things.  

Those are my 5 steps for how to let go of resentment towards parents.  They can be knocked out pretty quickly and do not require years or even weeks of therapy.  That does not mean that it might not be good to get some help. There are people in your area who can aid you, but be clear about what it is you want.  And of course, you can contact me.  

To see all the previous “how to let go of resentment towards parents” posts, here are the links:  Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.  My book, You Can Keep Your Parents At Home  is also available for purchase on Amazon.

Welcome back. We are almost through the entire process of how to let go of resentment towards parents.  At the end of this series is a new appreciation for your parents, for yourself and a better relationship with a happy aging in place experience but first you must just forgive.  

Don’t think that forgiving means that you have to never have any sorrow when you think of your mother not knowing about your shooting stats.  With any loss there will always be poignancy,  but you are also now clear that mom didn’t do this to hurt you and it cost her something too.  

One of the reasons you resented your mother for not appreciating your basketball skills is because it also made you feel that there was something lacking in you.  You weren’t her ideal daughter.   My,  but people are complicated!  Forgive yourself for not meeting living up to her standards and forgive yourself for holding any resentment from your youth. Forgive yourself for not being perfect.

Well, now you have done a lot and now its time to reap the benefits.  In the next post we will talk about how to use this knowledge to make a positive relationship.

How To Let Go of Resentment Towards Parents: Part 3

Welcome to part three of my series that talks about how to let go of resentment towards parents  when helping them age in place.  So far, in this important first step for aging in place, home care for your elderly parents, you have identified resentments that might get in the way of a happy home and you have grieved the fantasy parent you always secretly hoped you would have.

The next step in letting go of resentment is to have compassion for who your parents are and what their struggles cost them.  This is a necessary step that completes the mourning process so necessary to letting go.

Lets go to the example that I gave in the last post.  Mom did not appreciate your athletic abilities as she had always

My case was different, but my mother lost out because she couldn’t connect with who I was.  She didn’t understand who I was and therefore, just couldn’t have that mother/daughter relationship that she had always wanted.   

I gave an example in my book,  You Can Keep Your Parents At Home (link to purchase), of the night that it hit me how much pain my mother caused herself by not understanding who I was and what she needed to do.  That was a huge relief for me and it enabled me to be free to deal with my mother during some difficult times and to be able to enjoy her more when times were good.

We are almost there.  The next step in letting go of your resentment towards your parents is forgiveness.  By this time that  It will be easier than you think.

If you missed the previous 2 posts here are links to Part 1 and Part 2.

You can find the book, You Can Keep Your Parents At Home on Amazon